Broken tailights, bones and computers oh my!

Well it's been quite some time since I've posted and I apologize profusely for that. January flew by for me and then at the beginning of February I ended up in the ER with incredible abdominal pain. When the ER doctor hit the "spot" on my abdomen my head flew up off the bed and I almost head-butted him...there were a few choice swear words as well. After a whole day (yes, a whole day) in the ER getting IV fluids, an MRI and waiting for the doctors to make their way back to my little room after the flood of patients that came after I checked in, I found out I had diverticulitis...don't get this...ever. This is an infection of the small pouches in your intestines, which if it gets bad makes it impossible to stand, or sit, or lay down without a lot of pain. Now I also know what an appendicitis feels like, as the doctor said this problem mimics a horribly inflamed appendix....yah me. Now I can cross that off my wish list. I was sent home at nearly 5pm with instructions to go pick up 2 antibiotics and a pain pill. Ten days of horse pill antibiotics...one twice a day, the other once a day and the pain pills to help me keep the will to live. Sleeping, as well as standing, sitting or any other normal activity was extremely painful. The infection hadn't gone through the intestinal wall, but was starting, and believe me that is NOT a good thing. So a few days of missed work...two days of attempting to work and going home early (granted it was only an hour early), but when you don't have vacation time yet and no sick time at all, every hour counts.

And so I slowly recovered. It took a good month before I could eat normally again, this illness effects your intestines and everything its connected to so your appetite goes down the tubes, along with your energy. I was exhausted. I'm finally feeling like myself again (for better or worse) and that was a little over two months ago. Ugh.

Then as I'm getting better a local business pickup hits my car, as its parked in front of where I work, breaking my taillight and scuffing the bumper. Yah me again. I didn't have the energy to be upset and figured...well it could have been worse...plus the kid driving the pickup was doing such a good job of beating himself up I didn't have the heart to join in. He called his boss and he called the cops, all while I stayed inside and worked, watching the whole thing play out (we have 3 big windows facing the street so I had a front row seat). After about an hour it's finally done and the cops have us exchange information and he's on his way. It took nearly a month to get the money for it, but its done. Now my car is just waiting for a drivers side rear taillight her size. :)

So that takes care of February and March. Now onto April. On the 4th my sister calls me to tell me our mom fell at the nursing home she's in and broke her hip. They live in a small town and the orthopedic surgeon rotates between there and another small town...guess where she was (or wasn't) that week??? Yepper...so my sister has to make a decision...fly her to a bigger town we are familiar with or take her to a bigger town over the state line. She voted to fly her to the town and hospital we knew and I agreed. So she drove 4 hours to the town while a plane flew to get our mom and take her to the hospital (the airport is just up the hill from the hospital so it was a short trip from there after a 3 hour flight). I waited to hear what was happening before deciding what to do...do I stay, do I go, I don't know...plus another flipping snow storm was supposed to start the next day. My boss was cool with whatever I decided, but heading home after work that day I still hadn't decided anything. After numerous texts and a quick phone call that night it was decided I would head up the following morning.

The surgery went great, the hip wasn't broken, it was actually her thigh bone that had broken just below the ball, so 3 screws and it was done. The problems began after that...our mother has dementia and anesthesia effects that adversely...so when she came out of it she was confused and combative. Not fun for my sister or anyone else involved.

My trip should have taken 4 1/2 hours, but stretched out to nearly 5 1/2 because of crappy roads, but I managed to get to the hospital by about 1pm. Mom had a pretty good day that day, and while she couldn't recall our names she knew who we were (fyi I was "the oldest one"). We stayed in the room until 8pm, when they lock all the hospital doors, and of course she got worse after we left. The next day was not good either, as the dementia had made her forget she'd had surgery and couldn't get up on her own. It went downhill from there. The only things we could get her to eat were shakes and smoothies, no actual food. She got combative and wanted all of us to get out. It hurt to have her look me in the eye and tell me that, and to understand she didn't know me. She just wanted the pain to stop and to go home. Each night when we'd leave to go to the hotel she would get worse.

The third day was the worst for us. She kept breaking down and crying. She didn't understand anything except that she was in pain and she couldn't leave. My sister wanted me there because she couldn't deal with it alone and by this point I wasn't sure we could handle it together either. We finally had to head back home, but it was hard, and we worried how things were going for the next day and a half until they took her home (this time by ambulance). By 4pm Monday she was back at the nursing home and instantly more comfortable. Although she still tries to get up and walk on her own, as the fall and surgery don't exist in her world at all. She fell again earlier this week, but managed not to hurt anything.

It's a really crappy feeling as a child watching your parent suffer and being able to do absolutely nothing for them. My mom is caged in a hell her mind has created and no one has the key. She's slipping farther and farther away, into a place where we can't follow. I think very soon, if not by now, she will have forgotten the last thing she knew by sight and sound....us. We will be erased along with everyone and everything else...and it kills me. I don't want her to forget us or her grandchildren, or even her great-grandchildren, but there are no other options here. There are no different settings or saves, we're all just....gone. I don't want to disappear, but I don't get to choose. Her mind is failing her and I can't fix it. I'm sorry mom.

I fought my computer earlier this week and thought it was done for, but I managed to get it working and so here I am...crying on my keyboard. I'm back to blogging whether anyone reads it or not. It helps me think and get things out of my head. 

And so I think today, and very probably tomorrow, I'm going to go outside and sit on the porch for awhile...or maybe go for a walk...since spring has finally decided to show her beautiful face. I'll watch for the friendly ducks that came by last night...or wait for the small herd of deer that frequent my yard and the yard across the street in the evenings.

I'll breathe in spring and hope for a better day tomorrow, and the next day, and the next.